Mad Malkavian's Madness
by Soser
Summary: Follow some of the events of VTM Bloodlines, from a crazy female Malkavian's POV. To see my other fic of this game, go to my profile page.


**Author's notes:** First comedy ever, first time writing from a female character's POV and first time using this particular version of Open Office's grammar checker. PLEASE, OH, PLEASE, REVIEW! OH, COME ON! REVIEW!

**Reading License Agreement:** By starting reading any chapter of this fic, the reader swears to leave, at least, a review per chapter of, at least, five words length.

**Disclaimer:** I DO own VTM: Bloodlines. I've payed for it a good amount of my cash and I'm looking at the game's case right now. I don't own its copyrights, though: I've just payed to own MY copy of the game and play it. Please, don't sue me because I'm not making any money out of this fanfic. This disclaimer is applicable to any later chapters that I may write, so I won't be writing it again. UNDERSTOOD? Good. Now, to the fic itself.

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**CHAPTER 1:** SPIKEY, MY NEW BEST FRIEND

"Forgive me." Huh? Who had I to forget? I opened my eyes. Before me, a little baddy buddy wearing Armani was kneeling beside a kneeling weakened certain maddy buddy.

The maddy buddy... _Hmm...I like that guy. His head's a little out of place, but you really can trust he will never harm you in the future. _Huh? A voicy without body... A small giggle escaped my lips. Nobody in the room noticed. The baddy buddy was raising and talking. "Let the penalty commence." His voicy was icy and lacking spontaneity.

A big, muscular gorilla man lifted a sword as big as myself and swiftly chopped the maddy buddy's head off. _Ups. He lost his head here._ "Ha... Hahaha... Hehehehe..." That one was HILARIOUS... Someone behind me hit my head with something hard. It hurt. "Owie..."

Why did they hurt me? I had done nothing wrong... _They hit you because you were laughing._ Because I was laughing? But... Is it so bad to laugh? _Dunno._ What's wrong with me having fun at a good joke?_ Strange._ What?_ No more rhymes?_ I'm not in the mood: the maddy buddy is dead and the bad guys are all around me, hitting me with hard things to hurt me bad. _So? What do you want to do?_ I wanna go home. _But you can't. _Why?_ Because the baddy buddy is the boss here, and he'll kill you if you try to go._

But I don't want to be here, voicy... _You can't always do what you want. _I want to be home... _Won't you start crying on me now, will you?_ I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL! _Hey! Why do you shout at me now? Fine, I'm not talking to you, bad person! _No, wait! I didn't want to... Voicy! "This is bullshit!" What? What was bullshit?

Looking up, I saw I, along with the baddy buddy and the gorilla Magilla, was on the scenario of some kind of theater... Cool! Were we playing Hamlet or Romeo and Juliet? I didn't want to be Juliet... Who had spoken was down, on the fifth row of chairs. Standing up, surrounded by people who were trying to keep him from initiating violence. Looking at his face, his muscular torso... I couldn't help but let the word "Hmmm... Handsome..." escape my lips (very low: I didn't want my head to hurt again) something hard tapped my head, reminding me I had to keep silent. I pouted.

From the people surrounding my knight on shining armor, I managed to over hear someone trying to hold him. "Calm down, Nines. We can't start hostilities here." So, my knight of shining armor was called Nines... The man of numbers...

"If mister Rodriguez would let me finish..." The little baddy buddy wearing Armani continued speaking, "I have decided to let this kindred live."

_He wasn't gonna say that before. _Voicy? You're talking again?_ Yep. It seems I get bored if I don't get to talk. Missed me?_ Well... I did feel lonely... _We have just met._ But if you're here, I'm not alone. I don't like to be alone... Promise you'll stay? _Well..._ Just a little bit more?_ I dunno... Are you sure you want me to stay? _I asked you to, didn't I? _One condition._ What? _We've gotta be best of friends._ Like Tom and Jerry? _What? No, no way: those two are always trying to kill each other. _Like Starsky and Hutch? _Well... Yeah! Like those!_

Cool! Who drives the chariot? _Ehh... You'll have to: I can't drive. _So, you'll shoot the boomsticks? I don't know how to do it. _Okay, but I'll need you to have them on your hand. _Why? _I don't have hands: I'm just a voice in your head. My name's Spike, by the way._ Pleased to meet your acquaintance, sir Spikey; I'm... _I know. _How? _I'm in your head. _Ah...

And this is how I met my newest, ultimate, super best of friends, who would never stand me up or arrive late to our parties because... He was always there! Isn't it great!

All the other people but the little baddy buddy had left the scene, and I was now following the... Err... Did he say he was the Prince? Cool... I had met someone of the royalty family... From where? _Provably Lilliput: he's nearly a dwarf._ Spikey! _What? _He's a Prince! _So? _Those things have to be said when he can't hear you, get mad, incarcerate you, chop your hands and put them into a huge sack of hands to later use as ammo for his army's catapults. _He can't hear me: only you can._ Lucky you... _And I have no hands to chop._ My eyes widened in terror. Has he already chopped your hands? _No! I simply don't have body!_ Have you lost it? _ Err... Yes? _Poor, poor Spikey...

"... Do not return until you do." A door closed behind me. What? What did I have to do? The Prince was nowhere to be found. I was on the outside. _Go to Santa Monica, to a place the Prince has given you,_ f_ind someone called Mercurio, get some explosives he has for you and use them to do something he will tell you himself. Weren't you listening? _I was listening to you. _Flatterer._ Let's start walking... _Keep your eyes down._ Why? _You might find a map to a hidden treasure. _One with tones of gold, or with diamonds? _If you're really lucky, both. _Goodie!

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So, did you like it? This is a rather short chapter, sort of a... test... To know if you guys like this idea. If you don't, the story will end here. If you do, let me know by writing some reviews.

For next chapter (if it ever passes the beta version, it's on pre-alfa right now)... DRIVING SMILING JACK NUTS.


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